this year will be an adventure

this year will be an adventure. this will be the year of adventure. this year will be one of adventure. i’ve been weaving these types of phrases into my interior soliloquies for the past few weeks, just to swirl them around my tongue and assess their gradual release of flavor, or perhaps to convince myself of their enthusiastic virility. convince myself, because it may be true that i’m mostly terrified of this coming year. terrified of what it means to tie myself (at least in optimistic gesture) to another for the rest of my life, terrified of forging forward into a world where i have been absent for so long, and where there are little to no guarantees of success or rote fiscal sustainability. 

and yet, this will be the year heath and i are married. this will be the year that we join our hands and our names and look forward together to laughter and sorrow, happiness and hardships. this will be the year i let go of that safety holding, teaching, finally put aside the security i have been unable to refuse since i left the doors of college, and dip my feet into what causes the innermost crevices of my bones to shake in delight. and it will be difficult. it will require incredible stamina and control and i will have to fight so hard, at times, to believe that it was the right choice. i will make mistakes, and some of them will just be mistakes, but some of them will be good, and they will all lead me forward, maybe not yet towards sublimity, if that even exists, but at least towards the rest of my life, that which has been slumbering and is ready to roar itself awake. 

credits to ann hamilton.