30 october, 2006: a brief redefinition of self

i used to define myself by the consistency of my favorite things. it didn't matter that my cousin changed his mind about what he wanted to be every other week of his life (whether it be artist, firefighter or diplomat); i knew what i loved and i planned to continue loving it until the end of time.

let's backtrack.

i recently realized that, on top of heavily disliking my science courses and feeling completely indifferent about the chemistry research i have been conducting for the past year or so, i don't even want to be a doctor.

i am not going to go to medical school.

so what is to stop me from re-examining everything else? from finally tossing that outdated, yellowed and crumbling self-definition to the trash? i have been declaring that i prefer yellow to every other color since i discovered my first box of crayons at the tender age of three. well, actually,
1. yellow is no longer my favorite color. in fact, it hasn't been in years. it still holds its respective reign on the primary color wheel with its peers red and blue and surfaces in the form of daffodils every year or so, but i am finally going to abandon camp and join the ranks of the greens. greyish-green, specifically.

2. i don't even like giraffes. i used to say they were my favorite animal because they were exotic and yellow; i would look up all of the facts about them and think that knowing these useless parcels of information validated my rather indifferent decision to pick them in the first place. in actuality, i don't have a favorite animal because i don't like animals. not a one.

3. curry rice is great, but my favorite food vacillates from poulet toscana to cap'n crunch, depending on what happens to be in my mouth. usually the latter.

4. my favorite book is the bell jar, not jane eyre, not anne of green gables, and not little women. sometime in highschool i made the switch from swooning romantic era novels into the macabre world of esther greenwood, and the poignancy of despair has held me hostage ever since.

5. i don't have a clue about where i want to live in the future, so long as it's not provo or the equivalent. i'm not deadset on italia, but i've still got some criteria:1. thriving art and music community 2. liberal atmosphere 3. unique shopping districts 4. scenic locale
seattle had a good vibe, but our relationship is still very noncommittal

6. i am not really that ocd. i like to pretend that i must have everything visciously clean, with my sheets unrumpled and my books in alphabetical order, but i am actually a complete mess. i wash my dishes after the mold begins to grow. i throw my expensive clothes into dirty, wrinkled heaps on the floor. i throw books and papers into my backpack in a frantic hurry every morning, reducing some important documents to shreds and forgetting to pack others entirely. i eat many of my meals in bed.
actually, this is a change of character that i do not admire.

7. i am not really that korean anymore. i used to best identify with the culture of my childhood-- i even packed up a little lunch with chopsticks for school every day and carried my pencils around in a sanrio pencil case. i watched korean soaps on the weekends while eating choco pies and rice popcorn.
well, welcome to america.

8. i am no longer completely shy. remember that girl that used to hide from people she knew so that she wouldn't have to say hello? that used to hate being in big groups more than anything, never spoke out of line, and did everything she could to remain out of the spotlight? that girl was content to spend recesses indoors and alone, reading. that girl no longer exists.

but
some things will always be the same.
i still
1. make compulsive lists of things to do, things to improve, things to forget about, money i've spent, dates i've been on, boys i've fallen in love with...
2. love the violin, and the piano, and classical music, ridiculously much.
3. like spending time with just myself.
4. organize my clothes and shoes by color, and love getting more of these items continuously.
5. enjoy swimming and running, until it hurts to breathe.
6. cry when i am scared, or happy, or angry.
7. am late to everything.
8. take on far more than i can handle.

i've spent the past few weeks sorting through the more important parts of my life, pulling drawers and resorting files. i revised and combined old goal lists, set out new weekly plans and attempted to make some sort of blueprint for the next few years. i'll study harder for my classes, be more on time to things, eat less chocolate, and improve my posture. i'll take two art lessons a week, apply for art school, attempt to graduate with a physiology degree and get into graduate school somewhere.

really, though, none of this even matters.
it matters, but it doesn't matter. as long as i'm doing the right things, reading my scriptures, living righteously and working my hardest, things will settle into their proper places and life will flow smoothly. the problem is that i am not doing the right things at the moment, i am not praying regularly or even attending church, and thus can't expect a deus ex machina. but i will try. i will get up in the morning and give everything 110%. i will embrace my changes and work for more.
and someday, maybe someday, i will be able to wake up one morning and realize that, despite the complete alteration of my childhood plans, my life is fine.

just fine.